im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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