but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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