I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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