I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
