I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
