Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
