Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry my hands just texted you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
