im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
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