I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
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tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
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The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.