Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.