Yo dont text me then not text me
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
