Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
