woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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