God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
