Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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