Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
