I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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