I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Boobs speak an international language.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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