You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
