Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
