Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
