my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
