You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
