Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
