I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
