The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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