I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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