Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
