Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
