Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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