Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
