but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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