Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
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I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
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Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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