Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
