the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
