I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
