you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
