I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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