Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
