Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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