You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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