i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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