Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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