wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
