....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
