it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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