Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
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I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
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In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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