did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
