Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
