i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
