Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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