He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i now understand why vodka
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
