Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
