Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
