I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
