i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
