Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
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You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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