i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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