he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
