Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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