I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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